“In the middle of meditation, I suddenly felt myself was sitting somewhere on the ground, with lots of dried leaves. I was sitting right in front of The Buddha, When He put something like a purple diamond inside my forehead, I could feel it! it wasn’t hurting but I felt something when He put it inside! what did it means, Ma?” 5 years old me asking.
“Oh, He gave you a magic thing, by then, you would be the smartest people ever, you will achieve everything you want in life.” Mom answered.
Grown-ups me might realized it was a lie, but I was 5 years old at that time, I believed everything that people, exactly mom told me. I was extremely happy, and from that day 100% blindly believe that I’ve been chosen, to be the best human ever, no matter what people told me.
Luckily (or maybe not), I was always one of the top 5 in class, and was smoothly improved from Elementary School to Vocational High School. It was reasonably hard for me not to believe that God gave me a superpower to reach everything I want, in this case, an academic achievement.
I had a big dream and was planning it clearly since last year of Junior High School, exactly when I was just 15, I wanted to be a scientist, inventing medication for Cancer.
I planned to enroll myself to a Pharmacy Vocational High School after graduating from JHS, then pursue degree up to doctorate programs, and be a scientist for the rest of my life, I was imagining myself in a lab coat, standing in my own laboratory, handling some specimens… How joyful I am by only imagining it, frankly, I can still feel the happiness inside me by only writing this.
And it went great, though of course I dealt with stress and some issues during 3 years in VHS, I was acknowledged as the top student at school, offered and joined several competitions up to national level. For me, it was the best moment ever, best years to explore much things, from pharmacy subjects to diversity.
To reiterate, I never imagine of being anything but scientist in the future, I made it clear to everyone I met.
But the last year of VHS was the “moment of truth”, I started looking for a university and applying to some of their scholarship programs, doing A to Z to make sure I still on my way to be scientist.
A month after officially graduated from VHS, in June 2018, just few weeks to my birthday, I was facing reality, that maybe pharmacy was not for me...
It’s like the whole world is against me. I could not think of anything, I have no plan B. I was mad, sad, confused, and afraid at the same time.
I would not tell much more detail on this, it passed years ago and I don’t really like to recall the moment. What I’d like to highlight here is a reminder that sometimes we tried our best, we believe it to the max, and even if we think we are on our way to it, like a book once said, perceived clarity regarding the future often turns out to have been illusory.
The point was not that we should not have a dream or chase anything at all. For me, it is the need of preparation to deal when we face something we never expected to, always prepare for the unexpected.
I later found a book that relates to this and show how I could better manage myself when this “accident” ever happen again, but it’d be better to tell in other story.
July 2018, I decided to move on, applied myself into an accounting school, with literally no basic of economy or business, just trying to start a new life, new dream, and hopefully finding myself there. I got my first job in August 2018, a month before school started.